So Monday wasn’t too bad a day. I had coffee with friends in the morning and although I didn’t always feel part of it, I didn’t cry, which I thought was good. The afternoon at home wasn’t unbearable, although it is a bit of a blur. I started to think that maybe I can sort this out my myself. How wrong was I.
Yesterday Baby woke at 5am (which is better than 4.15 or 3.15am) and refused to go back to sleep. So in the end I gave up and our day started. She did have a short nap on me, but the dog barked and woke her up prematurely. So she was overtired and screaming. She took great pleasure in hitting me in the face and pulling my hair. I know she is not aware of her actions, but it hurts and she just laughs. I had enough and put her down. She went mental, in 2 minutes she was crying so much she was coughing and choking. So by 11am I had cried a few times already. The stress of everything else going on at the moment is not helping either. I genuinely think that all my additional issues are making things much worse. On the way to visit a friend I was crying so much I could barely see the road. Our day together started at 5am and finished at 7.30pm, when I finally put her down. I had to hold her for most of the day and was exhausted from crying.
I was scared that drugs weren’t right for me. I thought that surely I will be able to sort this out without intervention. I am a strong person. But the situations I am in are breaking me. If I have a good day, I need to remember that the next day will probably kick my arse. To this end I have come to realise that it is the chemicals in my body that are making me feel like this. I didn’t choose this, but maybe I do need help, maybe the drugs will smooth out this chemical imbalance. I am terrified of taking the first pill, I see it as a failure. I have failed as a mum. I should be able to cope with everything that’s going on, as well as taking care of Baby, but i can’t. I need to try and resolve these additional issues, as they are causing me the most stress, but my fight is dwindling.
I hope Baby doesn’t read this in years to come and feel disappointed in me.