Damaging Body Image

O.k, so this might be quite a frank post and I am not asking for sympathy.  I just feel I have to write down some of the thoughts that are in my head, as they relentlessly go round and round.  Thoughts about body image and maybe someone, somewhere will relate to them.

I am waiting for an appointment with the Bariatric team (the fat doctors!) and I have been waiting for months.  I wrote this post back in February, before I asked the doctor for help and I have just received a letter rescheduling my appointment, so it is now even further away.

At the moment I feel I am trapped in a body that isn’t mine.  I have been overweight for many years, I actually think for my whole life.  My family are all large,  so I am guessing some of the issue is fat genes.  Is that even a thing?… Anyway, I have never been as big as I am now.

I used to ride and while I was never slim, I was able to ride well and was probably a chunky, athletic build.  Always with a pretty flat tummy and most of my weight carried on my bum and thighs.  During pregnancy I put on over four stone and was overweight before I got pregnant, so I have a lot to lose.  Looking at my tummy actually makes me cry, so I avoid it at all costs.

While I wait for the consultation, I have began to seriously consider asking for something drastic.  I am not able to do much exercise because I suffer from SPD, so in order to lose weight I need to eat about 500 calories a day.  Believe it or not I have quite good willpower and so I can do this, but after about a week I start to feel ill and can barely stay awake.

I feel others look at me as if I am almost second class, maybe it’s all in my head…. quite probably.  I can’t be as funny, as bright, as anything, as my slim peers; all people are going to see is my size.  Even eating in public makes me paranoid, as I feel people are judging me.

With so much weight to lose, I would be hardcore dieting for the next few years and that is a miserable existence, so what’s the alternative?  I wish I knew….

These pictures were taken a few years ago when, although I was still overweight, I was happy in my own skin.  I would love to be this size again.

Body image

Apparently, I am not fat enough for gastric band surgery, which seems a little ironic.  I would have to get fatter before they would help me.  This type of surgery has a 1 in 500 mortality rate.  Is it worth the risk….?

Being fat is affecting every aspect of my life in a negative way.  I literally HATE my body.  I can’t look at my body in a positive light at all.  I know it gave us our beautiful daughter, but I feel as if it is the thing I detest most in my life and it is the reason for so much pain.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not a victim,  there are times when I eat rubbish, but equally there are times when I eat very little and don’t lose any weight.  I need to get off this miserable merry-go-round of dieting.  I cannot spend the rest of my life feeling like this and being in this crazy cycle of diets, loses, gains…. something has to change, but what?

Please don’t tell me to eat healthily and do light exercise, because believe me, it won’t work.  So I am considering asking if they will do the surgery anyway, maybe on psychological grounds.  I need something that is going to lead to a quicker rate of loss and something that I can then maintain.

So would you ever have non essential surgery, if it could change your life?

Comments 55

  1. Yes, I would have it done tomorrow if I could afford it.

    I am like Aby, I don’t eat badly but put on weight so quickly xxx

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  2. Have you considered something like Lighter Life? I know when you have a lot of weight to lose the prospect of dieting for ages is depressing. With Lighter Life I lost 3 st in about 4 months. Because it’s a meal replacement diet you don’t have to think about food but also the counselling sessions that go along with it are really good. I would maybe think about something like that before gastric band surgery. Good luck with it though, I totally empathise with that feeling of being in a body that isn’t yours.

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      Thanks hun. I hadn’t seriously thought of LL as I know it is quite expensive and I think we would struggle to afford it in our current circumstances, but maybe I will see. Thank you so much for reading and commenting, it is much appreciated x

  3. sorry to hear you feel negative about your body, i dont like mine either when i look at myself in a shower, but i think you look great, maybe try some alternatives first before jumping into something serious like surgery, sometimes you cant cheat on nature. I would like to be your diet buddy if it helps

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      These pictures were before most of my weight gain, this is what I would love to look like again. Your comment is very kind xx

  4. There is nothing worse than being unhappy with your body and having people tell you ‘oh there’s nothing wrong’. If you aren’t happy with your weight you aren’t happy. It sounds like you have tried everything you can and you definitely need intervention for your mental state of mind more than anything else. I really hope the Drs can help you.

    I put on a huge amount of weight when I had my first child and it took me 3 years to lose most of it (then I fell pregnant again!). I do think some people are just destined to be bigger than others but I am positive no one looks at you and thinks you are a second class citizen at all! xx

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      Thank you for your kind comment, it is much appreciated. I have another month to go before my hospital visit x

  5. I can totally relate to your post. I have over 8st to loose and have asked doctors for surgery as I had ME so could not exercise and my medication has the side effect of rapid weight gain but they said unless I had diabetes they could not do anything on the NHS and I can’t afford to pay myself. It is horrible feeling ashamed of how you look and even though I know that this is not going to help you, from the photograph you posted I think you look great and not over weight at all. I hope that you get some help from somewhere so that you start to feel better about yourself 🙂 #MMWBH

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      I should have made it clearer that these photos were before I gained the majority of my weight. So while I was still classed as overweight, I was much happier and I didn’t have this poor body image. Thank you for your comment and I am so sorry that you are experiencing similar difficulties. I really appreciate your kind words x

  6. Your piece is so personal and honest and sad. I think maybe you should speak to someone about it – have the doctors suggested that – rather than have surgery? Isn’t some of it changing your mindset of how you feel about your body? I don’t want to do amateur psychology, but you seem so bright and intelligent and articulate, and in the pictures you’ve posted, you look really “normal” (crap word, but you know what I mean). I’m really sorry you are so low about it. Hope somebody can help and make you positive again.

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      These pictures were before pregnancy weight gain and I would love to have that figure back again, even though I dieted, I was happy with myself at this time. The doctor hasn’t suggested anything, I am just waiting for the consultant appointment. Thank you so much for your comment x

  7. I know you don’t want sympathy but I really feel for you as it isn’t nice to feel so uncomfortable in your own skin. I was overweight before I got pregnant with Monkey and as I really struggled with my pregnancy, I was exhausted all of the time, so constantly ate, and I had terrible SPD so was barely moving by the end as I needed crutches for even the shortest distances. So my weight ballooned. Thankfully I was lucky and my SPD ended with my pregnancy (it is back this time round, though nowhere near as bad so far!) and I managed to lose about 2 stone in a couple of months of WW (which I had never wanted to try but hubby persuaded me) I will never be skinny and like you most of weight goes on my bum and thighs, but at least I felt comfortable in my skin again. I am just telling you this so you know you aren’t alone in these feelings. I really hope the drs can help you and you can find a positive solution. xx #mmwbh

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      Thank you so much for your lovely kind words. I was on crutches too with my SPD and although it is not as bad as in pregnancy I still suffer with it. xx

  8. Thank you for sharing this honest post with all of us! It can’t have been an easy one to write. I’m sorry to hear that you feel so low about your body image at the moment and your photos are so flattering! All I know is that I would never have non-essential surgery for any reason. There are risks involved and for that reason alone I’d never do it. I hope that your GP surgery can offer some support. Good luck x

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      Thank you for your comment, unfortunately these photo’s were very much pre pregnancy and weight gain. I would give anything to be that shape again. x

  9. I have been thin and unhappy with my body and fatter and unhappy with my body. I am fairly happy now although I am a size 14/16. Although it is obviously not healthy being large perhaps It is the way you look at yourself that perhaps needs to change.

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      I am sure that psychology has a part to play but I have a lot of weight to lose which must be addressed for health reasons if nothing else x

  10. I am heavily overweight , but I have learned to love myself. However, I understand that it is hard to do and it took a life changing event to fo it for me. I am going to suggest you contact Dawn here She is amazing and can hbelp you

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  11. Such a frank and honest post. I feel your pain , but to be honest thing longer term lifestyle changes would be better for you as a person and in your role as a mum. xxx

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  12. I actually think you look lovely. I do understand though it’s about how you feel, and not what other people think.

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  13. This is such a frank post, I hope you feel better for getting it out there. I honestly don’t know what would be the best advice to give though. Obviously the 500 a day diet is leaving you exhausted, could you up the calories and take some non-impact exercise like swimming? Easier said than done to fit it into a busy life I know. I am sure you will find the right answer for you eventually!

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      Thank you. Swimming would be good, but I have Baby 24/7 (almost) and I work every evening so I haven’t got time to go to the pool. Also I couldn’t go to a local pool, as I wouldn’t want anyone to see me! Sure I will find a way to sort it x

  14. Hi Aby,

    I don’t have any practical advice for you because I know how hard it is to lose weight when the odds are stacked against you.

    I had up and down blood pressure when I was pregnant so I had to go for two follow up appointments with the practice nurse once Gwenn was born. One of them said that she had put on a lot of weight after having her babies so her husband or her mum would look after the littlies and she would go to the gym or go for a run. It’s a great idea, yes, but when I get in from work or if I’ve been with Gwenn all day and Andrew takes her off my hands for an hour or so, my first priority is clean our house and try get a shower. I don’t have an hour and a half to go for a workout; I don’t have the luxury of time. I never get a second to myself, (which is how I choose to parent admittedly) and all of my babysitting credits are used up when I go to work three days a week.

    I suppose a lot of people would say we are making excuses for our weight. I love food. I eat to much. I eat emotionally and when I am tired. I never go out or have any “me time”. I don’t drink. Eating all the wrong things is my one vice. I know I have nobody to blame but myself. But I wholeheartedly agree with you that, no, it is not easy to lose weight.

    Sorry for the essay, but I really connected with this post!!

    Take care,

    xxx

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      Thanks so much for the comment hun. It is difficult. Like you I have no ‘me’ time, we have no family so I have Baby almost 24/7, any time I have when she is in bed I am working. xxx

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  15. Oh sweetie 🙁 I know how it feels. I have suffered from eating disorders since i was 11 and no matter how thin i was, it was the pyschology part of me that needed a change. I always felt i would be happier just 2lbs lighter then another 2lbs lighter etc.

    I am going through a stage now where i completely hate my legs and it is really getting me down. I feel anxious about it all the time and feel like people are staring at me. It’s all my own head issues but i just wanted to say that i completely understand. I hope you find something that works for you and a little peace x

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  16. Aww hun this is a sad post to read. I suggest Lighter Life too as I know a few of my colleagues are all doing it right now and it’s working well. I have a PR contact that might be able to help you with this 🙂 x

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  17. I would totally have the surgery if it would change how you feel, yes. This is such a relatable post though. Does my head in when people say ‘but you’ve carried you’re children in that body’ or you’ve ‘earnt your stripes (stretchmarks) becoming a Mum’. No I haven’t I’ve just become a big stretchy mess! #MMWBH

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      You are right, it is how you feel about yourself and I know I am too fat to be healthy and to be me x

  18. I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I have gained a lot of weight since my surgery and I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t recognise the person who looks back at me in the mirror. I don’t know that I would go down the route of a gastric band. There are other options to explore first. My husband went to a weight loss clinic and he was actually advised to eat more to lose weight. It was just that he had to totally change the things that he did eat. 500 calories a day sounds dangerous for you overall health. Good luck xx

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      It is so frustrating as lots of options cost a fair bit of money and we are a bit skint. I hope the hospital can help me and I hope you can find a way too xx

  19. I feel so sad for you. You’ve obviously got to do something as you’re so unhappy about it, but I would try other options before resorting to surgery. I lost my baby weight through Weight Watchers and found it a very healthy way to lose weight as fruit and veg are all free. It might be worth a try. I definitely wouldn’t be able to survive on 500 calories a day – that sounds horrific.

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  21. I feel exactly the same, but I worry that if I ever did manage to loose the weight that I would just find other reasons to hate myself.

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  22. If I could afford to have my wobbly bits, sucked out, I certainly would. After having M, my body just doesn’t want to go back to be as toned..no matter how slim I get the skin was stretched too much (6 stone gained during pregnancy. Too much eating for two :/ ) One of my colleagues had a tummy tuck recently and,despite being the most self confident lady I know,she had always wanted it done. I don’t notice any difference in her personally but the difference is that SHE does. At the end of the day,you need to feel happy with you. Hope that you get the appointment sooner xxx

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      I think that is exactly the point it is how you feel about yourself I just don’t want to be held back by it anymore xxx

  23. I also know what it’s like to feel/be overweight and feel utterly powerless about it. I had done weight watchers (mixed success), loads of exercise (unsustainable), 500 cal (resulting in fainting) and was pretty bloody miserable. Totally fed up of lacking energy, struggling to feel awake and generally not feeling very happy. However, on the suggestion of a friend I paid to go and see a nutritionist – maybe something available to you on the NHS? – I had previously thought it was all a bit ‘new age’ but it really gave me a wake up. She actually listened and took a very full history instead of listening to one problem she wanted to know EVERYTHING- it turned out things like slow/no weight loss can be dealt with quite easily by supplements and diet plan. But she didn’t just look at weight, but rather how I felt, what my past weight had been, the sleep I get and exactly what foods/drinks I was consuming. I agree to try dairy and wheat free, massively cut back on sugar/caffeine/alcohol and started taking nutritional supplements. I was still eating LOTS – so definitely not starvation/hunger things I had experienced before. I lost 5lbs in my first week – which actually was a lot of bloating and water retention. Had far more energy than before (despite chasing toddler) and have an lots of comments about ‘looking well.’

    So, in summary, a nutritionist (with proper qualifications) actually could do something about sluggish weight loss and a whole array of other experiences I had (like low energy) and seriously made a difference.

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      Thank you Laura for reading and responding in such detail, I really appreciate it. I have thought briefly about a nutritionist but wasn’t sure if it would help. After what you have said, it sounds like I is definitely worth investigation. I find I have zero energy even when I am not doing 500 cals. I would love more energy. Thanks so much x

  24. Although I am lucky enough to be a naturally slim weight a lot of how we feel about ourselves does have an effect on the body being able to loose weight. I personally think you look great, but I know that won’t matter in the same way as I hate my teeth and no one else can tell me otherwise. Dieting is never the answer as your body won’t retain the weight loss leading to a yoyo effect. After my last miscarriage I put on almost a stone, due to depression and have been tackling it slowly over the last few weeks. Although everyone says i’m slim psychologically i don’t feel like me. Rather than hate on myself which I do a lot i’ve tried different tactics this time which seems to be working. i pick one small thing about myself that I like – it could be totally obscure like a freckle the shape of a kidney bean – and i love that one small thing about me. This helps get the seretonin levels up, that plus eating clean and doing low body impact exercise like holding a semi-sqaut and boxing with the upper arms.

    Sometimes I would say yes I would certainly get X/Y/Z done with surgery and other times I think why the f**k should I! If I can learn to be happy with myself then really that’s all that matters. I agree with laura though and suggest a nutritionist be the first port of call before surgery. xx

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      Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I like the idea of finding something to love, even it it is really small. I am sorry for your loss xx

  25. I can totally relate to this post, except for the part about surgery.
    I personally wouldn’t do it.
    You say you have pretty good will power. Luck you! I am rubbish. The only thing that has vaguely worked for me over this past year or so was a intermittent fasting regime (also known as the 5:2 diet), it makes me realise just how much I eat, because on the fasting days I am meticulously measuring, weighing the amounts I eat. It’s help shrink my tummy. The difficulty is sticking to it.

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      Thank you for commenting. My will power these last few months, isn’t as good as normal, but I can usually stick to something hard core, but not long term x

  26. What an amazing post and if I had the money? Yes I think I would. BECAUSE….I have been overweight now for quiet a few years, more heavy now than I think I have EVER been, but will the weight shift? Hell no. The older we get, the more babies we have the less our body has to work its way back to the way it was. Thats the tough part. This year though, I am promising myself to try that little bit harder though…as my tummy sags, my boobs are following and man, I am ONLY 34! Not how I wanted my body to be at this age. So hopefully I can do something about that! I hope you get what you need though hun and thanks for linking up with #MMWBH xx

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      Aw thanks hun. It is so difficult isn’t it. I feel the same as you, it shouldn’t be like this, but it is such a cycle to get out of xx

  27. Hi Aby,just stumbled upon this blog post after commenting on one of your more recent posts about the great progress you have done. It seems like you are already feeling better about your body. I hope you are not so hard on yourself anymore. We can become our worst enemies sometimes. Just keep focused and keep motivated. And don’t ever deprive yourself from food and count calories! Just make better choices. There is a great TEdtalks video that explains the physiology behind this by Sandra Aamodt: “Why dieting doesn’t usually work”. I couldn’t link to it but please find it on youtube/Tedtalks page. It’s an incredibly good video and has been very helpful for me to figure things out.

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      Thanks so much for your kind comment. I am afraid after years of dieting, to lose weight I have to calorie count. Eating healthy alone does not make much difference to me, in terms of weight loss. I really do appreciate your comment though. When I get to my target then I will try healthy eating as maintenance x

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