Dear Mummy Guilt,
We need to talk.
You have been my constant companion for the past three years and I have come to the decision that I need to to break up with you. This might come as a bit of a shock and I realise that it will be difficult to adjust; spending three years of your life with someone, watching as they go through their lives, it is understandable that you will have become attached. But you see I need to change, to think in a different way and I am afraid you have no part in my life anymore.
What I now realise is that you are no good for me, in fact you are no good for anyone. You have made me feel as if I need to constantly prove my love for my daughter to you. You appear like a black cloud when I am enjoying something other than her company; making me feel bad for feeling joy that doesn’t involve her; of laughing if it’s not her who made me laugh; for merely enjoying my job and occasionally putting it first when needs be.
I want my daughter to grow up with a strong female role model, to realise that hard work pays off and that she can, if she puts her mind to it (and some heart and soul), achieve anything she wants. I want her to know that while she is the single most important thing in my life and my number one priority, she isn’t everything I love about my life. You know what, I love my business, I love my friends, I love working hard and achieving goals I set myself. Yes these things will, at times, mean that she is not the centre of my world, but wow what a pressure being the centre of someones world must be. I should spare her that.
I have also come to realise that my love is infinite. If I love my job it doesn’t mean I am taking love away that is mean’t for my daughter, my love just grows.
She needs to grow up seeing me work, realising that the toys, clothes and days out do not come for free, that we work hard for all of these things. I want her, sometimes, to wait her turn; to realise that there are things Mummy needs to do in a day, as well as love her with all of her heart.
As she gets older I want her to believe that her parents have a worth and a value outside being her parents; so that when she becomes a mum herself, she will not lose her identity as I did.
We have been made to believe that there is a work life balance. So far it has been elusive for me and I have now come to realise that is because it simply does not exist. If you love what you do and you chose to have it in your life, it is in you life that’s it. There is no balance to achieve, we just need to get on with all of the tasks we have to do, minus your guilt.
Some days, when it has to, my business will come first; most days my daughter will come first, and I am happy with that. Every day she will be loved, cherished and cared for. I am happy that I am not going to be living shrouded in your guilt, but instead I am going to love all of the things I choose to have in my life. It is important that she sees her mummy loving a life she has created for herself. So she can do the same.
So as hard as it may seem this is goodbye.
Comments 20
Yey Aby! Mummy guilt is the worst and it’s so ridiculous as we only feel it because we’re actually good mum’s. I love that you are breaking up with it. Xx
Perfect post, you’re an awesome Mum and good luck shedding the guilt xx
This makes me so happy. You are an awesome Mummy, having heard you struggle when you’re doing so amazingly. I am so so pleased you wrote this post. You work damn hard and that little beauty is so so loved, your work is like a love letter to her. She will be so grateful to have it to look back on when she’s older. Well done Aby!!! You are amazing xxx
This is really lovely, Aby. Self-compassion is tough but such a great gift for you, and a valuable gift for your daughter too xx
what a lovely post! No one is perfect so please don’t feel guilty. You doing a amazing job by the sound of it. R
I think in our job there is no balance. I definitely can’t just switch off. Let the guilt go hun xxx
Mummy guilt must be really hard but you just need to balance things. Don’t feel guilty about living your life x
Urgh! Mummy guilt – it’s always sat on my shoulder. Good for you for parting company with this unwelcome hitchhiker. We really don’t need it!
Mummy guilt sounds awful and definitely something to shake off! I’m not a mam but I gave our dog some scrambled egg today and she was sick everywhere which made me feel so guilty so I can imagine its worse as a parent! xxx
I can only assume that Mummy Guilt can be a horrid thing. You always try your best but then wonder if it really was the best thing to do.
Good for you! I need to follow in your footsteps. I feel incredibly guilty and inadequate as a parent all the time. It’s not good.
Totally agree with you, there’s no such thing as a work life balance. It chops and changes all the time and we need to just roll with it and be happy with our choices xxx
Such a powerful post, thank you so much for sharing!
This is a great post.Mummy guilt is the worst we all feel and it can make life hell. I’ve been feeling terrible recently for wanting a bit of me time but like you I need to break up with the guilt!
My daughter is only 7 weeks old so I’m feeling guilty just for walking out of the room at the moment. I’m working on being better though!
Such beautiful writing, I think we’re all guilty of putting things first sometimes but it’s about spending the time, when we can, making it balanced and fair. No doubt you let her know that she comes first always! ..but also, mummy needs to be happy with herself tpo. It’s good to have a voice 🙂
Thank you for this post. I feel this every single day – I love my career, I love my nights or days out with friends but I of course love my son more than anything. I just enjoy still having a bit of me. You hit the nail on the head!
Ooooops somehow put my name as Mrs O when it’s actually Mrs L commenting!
My daughter is 4 and i still haven’t been able to let go of the mummy guilt. Ive never really thought too much of it even though i know its there but after reading thins its going to be something that i am going to work on. Thankyou xx
Mummy guilt really is the worst! My little boy is 4 and I’m still struggling with it but love how you’ve put it all into perspective. Hopefully I can start too as well. X