When Does Stress Become More

I am sitting here crying as I type.  I seem to cry a lot at the moment.  I have no right to cry, I have everything I’ve ever wanted.  I know many people who would give their souls to be in my position.  Not because we are rich, or live the high life (we aren’t and don’t), but because I have a beautiful healthy daughter.  I got my happy ending.

So the tears that flow, shouldn’t.  But I can’t stop them.  I feel like my insides are shaking all the time.  I am trying to be the best mum, but I’m not.  I don’t shout or neglect, but I am not always truly present.  If I could just be ‘mum’ that would be o.k, maybe I could cope with that, I would have one focus for my attention. But I have so much other stuff that is demanding my attention at the moment.  I am in a situation that I don’t know how to handle.  It is very stressful.  I am also trying to set up a new business, as we may soon need the money.  I have so many questions regarding the business and things to work through.  Maybe I should just give up before I start.  What if I invest in this idea (on a credit card) and no-one buys the stuff?.  But we will need money.  My head is so full, I can’t bear it.  I long for peace and quiet.

Everything is building up inside me and now the smallest of things seems to set me off.  We have dogs, so have never lived in a super clean home, but today it had me in tears.  I try to clean in between Baby crying, look round and the dogs have made a mess again.  It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I feel like it is all closing in on me and I want to scream.  I have times when I feel like I am being suffocated.  When I wake in the night I find it almost impossible to go back to sleep, as my brain is on overdrive.

The times when Baby can play on her own are limited and so I haven’t got the time to do anything towards the business, which is super stressful. The little time I get I spend trying to figure out what to do and that is not productive, so I waste time and then I feel worse.  It’s like a cycle I can’t break.  I also feel guilt if I am physically not with Baby, playing with her and holding her.  I feel like I am drowning in stress at times.  The urge to just stay in everyday is almost overwhelming, but Baby needs to go out and have fun.

I look at Baby and I know she, and Mr Hubby, are all that matters, but it doesn’t seem to stop the overwhelming anxiety I feel.  I feel like I am on the edge of my nerves the entire time, which is exhausting.

I have made a Doctors appointment for Friday.  I am not sure what good it will do.  I think I have to sort out the cause of my stress, but Mr Hubby suggested I go.  I don’t seem to be able to move forward with anything.

My angel