Today, I am bringing you some advice from an amazing national charity, that supports children who have lost a parent whilst serving in the Armed Forces.
Charity’s Advice for a Family Christmas Following Losing a Parent
Scotty’s Little Soldiers offers advice for parents facing children’s first Christmas following death of spouse/partner
Scotty’s Little Soldiers provides Christmas and birthday gifts, treats, trips and activities for the families of the fallen, as well as enabling them to use the charity holiday lodges.
The charity recognises that whilst life following the death of a spouse or partner will always be painful, the Christmas period in general and particularly the first one since bereavement can be especially difficult for families with children.
In response, the charity has issued advice today to help parents struggling to know how to acknowledge grief whilst still aiming to help Christmas retain some of its childhood magic and excitement.
The military charity for bereaved children was set up by army widow Nikki Scott after her husband Corporal Lee Scott was killed in Afghanistan in 2009 and came about as a result of Nikki seeing her children laugh for the first time following Lee’s death whilst on holiday in Turkey.
Nikki Scott, Founder of Scott’s Little Soldiers, said: “Whilst life following the death of a spouse or partner will always be painful, the first year and the first Christmas can be particularly difficult, given it’s a time of year when families gather together and spend a higher amount of time with one another.
“That’s why we’ve released our advice to help and support parents facing this difficult time. Whilst it’s seldom spoken about, the first Christmas following the death of a parent is a reality for many across the UK and so we want to offer our advice and support wherever necessary.”
1. Talk! Kids love to ask questions – and it is vitally important to let them. Chat and embrace the Christmas memories you shared when your spouse or partner was alive. Reminisce about previous Christmas’s and remember the happy times together. The worse thing you can do is pretend that these memories don’t exist so embrace them and share fond memories.
2. Smiling is so important – but I don’t mean put a brave face on! The first Christmas without a loved one is of course incredibly hard and you are likely to feel a whole host of emotions. But remember that the ones who are no longer with us would have wanted us to be happy, so just make sure there are a few smiles mixed in with the tears and allow yourself and your children to laugh if you want; you won’t betray the memory of your loved ones through enjoying yourself.
3. Accept your emotions – It’s ok to be sad and angry and every other emotions you will experience when you are grieving. I think a lot of parents say that they try to stay strong for the kids but kids will sense when you are sad and it is important to let yourself and your kids grieve and not bottle it all up. You will model something powerful to your children if you allow yourself to grieve with them.
4. Pressure – Don’t put yourself under pressure – Surround yourself with people who love you – Often you are so busy protecting and supporting your little ones that forget about yourself and it is important for people to support you so that you can be there for your kids. This isn’t just emotional support but also practical support too. Make sure you have lots of help with the cooking so you can enjoy the day with the kids.
5. Plan – Think about what you want from Christmas Day and plan in advance. If you have a general schedule and some fun activities planned at various points throughout the day, you’ll avoid a day that has too much ‘thinking time’. Whilst it’s important to reflect and grieve, it will also help your children to have some structure to the day and the anticipation of fun activities at various intervals.
6. Little extras – There are lots of things you can do to make sure that the one you lost is still very much part of your day. This could be that Santa has sent them an extra special present from daddy in heaven. Making a toast when you sit down to Christmas dinner, placing a decoration on the tree or lighting a Christmas candle in memory or your loved one.
It’s just little things to make sure their memory lives on. It can feel tough that first year when there is a gap at the table and you can feel someone missing so it’s important to talk like you have said and make sure the memories stay alive but to enjoy Christmas and have fun as well. For us Lee loved Christmas, it was he’s favourite time of year so I try to make sure the kids love it too as that is what he would want.
Scotty’s Little Soldiers invites everyone who is passionate about their cause and wants to support their work to get in touch via their website at www.scottyslittlesoldiers.co.uk or by calling them on 01553 763 000.